I was born and raised LDS. I have always been a faithful member and have done everything that was asked and expected of me. I have always followed the church teachings, held callings, and as some would say acted as the "perfect Mormon girl". Well a few things happened a little over a year ago (things I won't go into detail with), but things that have really bothered me. People, within the church that I had trusted-broke that trust. People, who have always treated me well, quickly started treating me different. I know what you're saying as you read this...Samantha, you don't go to church for the people. You go for the feeling, teachings, and the Lord. I know this! However, it makes it very difficult to go to a place that makes you feel unwelcome. A place with people who hold positions in the church yet do things that make you question them and the church. I often wondered: how could a church call such a person to such a position? Things happened and were said to me that felt like a slap in the face.
Anyways, the more I attended church the sicker I felt about everything. I started to question: who I was and what I believed in. The question that constantly entered my head was: why am I attending a church that makes me feel worthless and unworthy? So, I stopped going. I started to really look within myself, in order to discover who I truly am. I started to ask myself other types of questions like: Who do you want to be? Where do you want to go in life? What type of person does the world see you as?
I was talking with my dad one day about how to know something is true. He told me I would have a feeling. Growing up in the church you are always told you will have a feeling when you know something is right. I've prayed many times in my life and always wondered if I was creating the feeling within myself by what I was thinking. Simple things like praying for someone, I was once told that the person would constantly be in your head. Well, if I were praying about them to begin with wouldn't I already be thinking about them? So, how would I know it was a different feeling? Little things like this have always bothered me, but yesterday in my British Literature class I felt the difference--it was a huge difference. Something I have never felt before!
Lately I have been praying about God. Not that I don't believe there is a God, but more to know he truly is there and does listen. My answer came in a very strange and real way. My professor started class by asking what everyone thought of the author William Wordsworth (he is who we have been studying this week). He then said that today in class he wanted to focus on one of his favorite poems written by Wordsworth,
"Lines Written in Early Spring"
I heard a thousand blended notes,
While in a grove I sate reclined,
In that sweet mood when pleasant thoughts
Bring sad thoughts to the mind.
To her fair works did Nature link
The human soul that through me ran;
And much it grieved my heart to think
What man has made of man.
Through primrose tufts, in that green bower,
The periwinkle trailed its wreaths,
And 'tis my faith that every flower
Enjoys the air it breathes.
The birds around me hopped and played,
Their thoughts I cannot measure; --
But the least motion which they made,
It seemed a thrill of pleasure.
The budding twigs spread out their fan,
To catch the breezy air;
And I must think, do all I can,
That there was pleasure there.
If this belief from heaven be sent,
If such be Nature's holy plan,
Have I not reason to lament
What man has made of man?
After reading the poem Dr. Cheney asked everyone to think of a time when they have connected with Mother Nature, to think of a time when all was still and peaceful. Then he asked if anyone wanted to share his or her experience--after he had shared a few of his.
As I sat in class thinking of my own moments and listening to those around me, I was filled with an unbelievable feeling. One that I had never felt before--I don't know how to describe it, but it was there. I grabbed my pencil and started to write on a piece of paper, not really knowing what I was writing at the moment. When I came home from school I took out my notebook and looked at what was written...I wrote: God is real, he does want me to speak with him every chance I can. God loves me and assures all things are possible. It is during the small quiet moments in life, when we can appreciate all that we have been given. "What man has made of man" is not what God wants man to be--try to remember who you are and what you stand for as you go throughout the world. Remember that he is always there for you and will never leave your side.
The answer to my prayer came in a very unexpected way. I never thought that I would get an answer at school, while sitting in class engaging in a discussion. But, I did! This is a small stepping-stone from the person I was a little over a year ago.
I hope it is the beginning of many stepping-stones....
Thanks for reading!
